Heart's Desire
by Nayru Elric
Summary: Whale Island is home to many mysteries, one being the disappearance of a particular Ging Freecss, but Gon never expected to meet a powerful spirit that would change his destiny. Pre-canon.
1. Heart's Desire

**Summary:** Whale Island is home to many mysteries, one being the disappearance of a particular Ging Freecss, but Gon never expected to meet a powerful spirit that would change his destiny.

* * *

 **Heart's Desire**

* * *

He was running.

The world passed by him in flashes of green and onyx – staple fields and blurring trees. His breaths coursed louder and louder in his ears, along with his pounding heart.

Someone was calling his name, but the steepness of the slope urged his legs on, leaving houses and livestock behind.

"Gon! Where are you going?! Come back, I want to play! Gon! _Goooooon!_ "

The sound of the young girl's disappointment faded the farther he ran into the forest. He didn't look back – he wanted to forget everything, even if for just an hour.

As Gon's knee-high green boots came to a stop on the crunching leaves, he glanced behind him out of the corner of one eye. Sweat ran down the sides of his face. He saw nothing but greenery behind, ahead, and all around him. Noko and the rest of the town were leagues away from him now. She was his only playmate with Whale Island's community being as small as it was – though the geography of the island itself was actually rather large, serving as the best temporary escape.

He sighed in relief, and turned his head up toward the sky, spreading his arms on either side of him. The shadowy canopy of trees camouflaged him in the green and brown underbrush – with his outfit and golden-brown skin, he looked like a small sapling himself, among the ancient redwood trees. Animals and vegetation marked the landscape, hiding in crevices and roaming in open areas. The air smelled fresh and sweet with dew and honey, and on the edge of his hearing, he could make out a trickling stream, lapping against clay-muddy banks. He faced its direction and bound toward it.

Unclipping his jacket and slipping off his boots, he set them by the stream's bankside, stepping into the water. His pores became exposed to the surrounding humidity, and precipitation formed on his skin as his feet sunk into the squishy muddy floor. It all felt refreshing in a way – even if he was practically bathing in his own sweat. Leaning over a log, he peered into the stream to see the small fishes that waded against the current. They wiggled this way and that, fighting the movement of the water. To Gon, it seemed so effortless to walk through, but to the fish, the water cascading down the banks was like fighting an uphill battle.

Gon sat on the log molding earthen clay in his hands, deliberate and methodical, until he heard a sound behind him. Spinning around, he saw the large shadow that moved in the foliage.

"Kon!" Gon sprang up and out of the stream to embrace his oldest friend. When he stepped back from the foxbear's thick cottony coat, he exclaimed, "Wow, you're growing so tall!"

The foxbear cub he had saved from Kite over a year ago was twice Gon's height now, and at least three times his size. Gon smiled, happy to see him. "What've you been up to all day?"

Kon responded by falling again on all fours, wagging his frizzy tail a few times back and forth and looking into the forest. Pointy canine ears erected attentively. Gon's foxbear friend had became rather secretive the past few months, despite the time they had previously been spending together. After Kite had been forced to kill Kon's mother from Gon's own ignorance…

Kon looked back at him with those perceptive yellow eyes that Gon had come to know better than any person in the last few years. As if Kon knew what Gon was thinking, he let out a throaty, guttural sigh.

"Anyway," said Gon, walking beside Kon through the forest with a hand on his furry back, "how about we catch some fish together?"

Lazily, they followed the stream to its source: a large river leading off from the ocean, where brackish-water entered into the lagoon-shaped estuary. Here, after the mixing, the water was so clear in the daytime that Gon could see large bass in its center, over two-hundred feet away. Kon sniffed in its direction, then glanced at Gon expectantly.

"Aw shoot, I left my fishing rod back at the house…" he mumbled absently, watching the fish in the center of the pool of freshwater. He trotted back to the entrance of the forest with Kon staring after him. "I'll be right back!"

* * *

 **~o=O=o~**

* * *

He'd slipped past Mito and Abe to retrieve his fishing rod and tackle box from behind the house, and upon his return found Kon crouching low by the surface of the water, swiping impatiently at the fish. Gon chastised him for scaring away their snack and got to work setting bait to the hook.

After seven striped bass and four medium-sized cutthroat trout were caught, boiled, and devoured, Gon laid himself out on the lagoon's side to let his skin and clothes dry out in the sun, Kon beside him, stuffed full.

At sometime, Gon fell asleep, and awoke startled to find the sun had sunk deeply in the horizon, its light webbing out in a marvelous display of red and violet ribbons throughout the sky. Kon must have gone back to his cave.

Gon gathered his fishing rod, tackle box, and clothes, stamped out the last embers of the fire, and headed back through the dark forest toward home. With his supplies rattling beside him, and the sounds of the twilit animals awakening, emitting somber keening to the moonlight, he felt a staleness in the air. On the corner of his eye, he swore he saw something bright and blue in the shape of a woodland animal crouching among the trees. When his head snapped to the side, though, he saw only the dark outline of the leafy underbrush.

Swallowing thickly – sweat pouring down the sides of his face again in the nighttime humidity – he hefted his fishing supplies and clothes over his shoulders and turned back ahead, pressing on.

By the time he reached the edge of the forest, it was midnight-dark. All the lights were on in the cliffside house, and Mito sat on the steps leading up to the front door, sewing embroidery in her hands, peering out into the darkness. She jumped up the moment she saw Gon emerging from the forest at the bottom of the slope. "Gon! I've asked you not to stay out this late without telling me first! What if some creature got you, or you fell and injured yourself and I had no idea where to find you?!" Her voice feigned harshness – it wasn't the first time he'd done this, and they knew it surely wouldn't be the last.

Gon could handle himself in the forests of Whale Island better than any adult or child – well, except maybe Ging. Mito had to say it, for her own conscience if nothing else.

"I'm sorry," he apologized, barely looking at her as he circled around the house to stow away his fishing supplies in the shed in back. "I fell asleep and lost track of time," he said when he came back.

Judging from his subdued reaction, Mito knew something was on his mind. She said no more as he entered the house.

Inside, she watched her pseudo-son say grace and take up knife and fork to gobble down his food reluctantly. On the opposite side of the table, with a hand on her cheek, she asked, "Why did you run away this time?"

Gon gulped down a chunk of steak before looking at her in slight alarm. "What?"

"You can't fool me," she said softly. She leaned forward, her fingers folding on the table. "I know you didn't run away to be naughty. But you're always out in the forest now, as if you're looking for something."

It was true, after meeting Kite and hearing all he had to say about the outside world, about Ging, about the dazzling world of Hunters, Gon had been hoping to catch a glimpse of what kind of adventure awaited him – if only he could…

Mito had no idea about this fateful meeting.

"Noko came crying to me again today," Mito continued. "She said you ran away from her before she could even say anything."

Gon chattered a little as he brought a finger to his cheek. "R-really? I had no idea she was calling for me, haha…!"

Mito grinned tenderly, her eyes crinkling. "Gon, you're such a bad liar."

He said nothing – only looked down at his plate of steamed broccoli and steak, avoiding her inquiring gaze.

"Grandma's already asleep," she said, standing, "so you better wash up and head to bed as soon as you're done eating. All right? I won't ask again."

Gon nodded. "Okay, I will. Good night, Aunt Mito."

"Good night, Gon."

As her footsteps disappeared at the top of the stairs, Gon sighed. He'd barely touched his meal – but steak was expensive and quite hard to come by in a place as remote as Whale Island… He really wasn't hungry.

Gon wrapped the meat in salt and stored it in the basement – which was cool and clean enough to serve as their pantry. When finished, he went outside to stand on the front steps. Hands clenched at his sides, he looked up at the sky, overrun by ominous rain clouds that blotted out the stars.

If he told Mito what he actually wanted to do, what he wanted to become… she wouldn't let him. She hadn't told him about Ging's true whereabouts, all this time. Kite had. Gon knew she did it to protect him, but… comfortability wasn't something he had on Whale Island. Not when he knew there was so much more…

He heard a rustle in the bushes at the bottom of the slope in the forest, and saw something move. Listening intently – between the waves crashing against the seaside cliff… he heard and saw nothing more.

With a final glance around, Gon went back inside and turned off all the lights, unaware of the creature watching him among the trees.

* * *

 **~o=O=o~**

* * *

Gon held a wooden weaved basket in his hands, his feet stopped halfway on one of the more common paths into the forest. _I should've known not to take the main path,_ he thought. He knew he would have to face the young girl sometime, but he had hoped it wouldn't be so soon. With bright hair flaming more orange than Mito's, two long braids bobbed on either of her shoulders as she heaved in exhaust. "C'mon, you used to love playing together!" she whined in near desperation. "We used to love playing in my backyard! You even liked my dolls! Why don't you anymore?"

"I-I don't know," Gon stuttered, clearly avoiding her – his gaze drifted to the trees, to the town, to all the little people in their perfect little families living their perfect little lives on their perfect little island. Somehow, in that moment, it made him sick. "I'm eleven now," he said feebly, not really thinking – just looking for _something_ to say. "I have bigger things on my m –"

"Like what?!" Noko demanded. "You're in the forest all the time anymore! You used to hate it there! What happened?!"

Playing with Noko had been better than being alone, it was true. However…

Gon shrugged slightly. "I guess…"

Noko waited anxiously for his answer.

"Never mind," he said quickly, turning away – which earned him an annoyed pout from the girl. "I'll see you later, Noko."

This kind of response was typical from Gon, even before he'd met Kite: Gon would be grasping at the words he wanted to put to his thoughts and feelings, only for it to slip away, replaced by the next emotion making way inside him, and he'd forget entirely what he wanted to say. Noko knew it was just how he was –

Except this time, he'd known exactly what he wanted to say. He merely knew not to say it.

"One of these days, I'll find a playmate who isn't so weird," Noko grumped after him as he walked up the path. Without turning around, Gon waved the basket in the air behind him in farewell. She stuck her tongue out at him before marching away.

No, what he'd truly wanted to say… was something no one on the island would understand. _I don't care to be around someone I don't plan on sticking around here for anyway…_

He trod past the tall trunks of trees toward the area of flowering plants – their branches heavy with fruit. The rest of the islanders wouldn't check to see if the apples were ready for picking until a few weeks from now, and Gon liked to be the first one to take his choice – anything to get away for a little while.

These trees were more spaced out than those in the denser parts of the forest, where Kon had found him yesterday. Kon usually dwelled on the more mountainous side of the island, while the villagers lived here. Kon would come down to the lower land of the rainforests to visit Gon, but no farther. The air was less humid here as well, chilly even, with the high winds that blasted the orchard down the side of the island – autumn close at hand.

Tossing his basket on the ground, Gon wrapped his thighs around the first tree in the field and shimmied himself up its trunk and into the branches beyond. He investigated every twig, searching for apples that were ready to be eaten. Had it been later August or September, he would have needed more than one basket, but given the earliness of apple-picking season, if he could fill one, that would suffice.

He hoisted himself into every tree – over fifty of them – to look for ripe apples, and carefully dropped those he found into the woven basket, slowly filling it, one by one. Once full, he seated himself among the wildflowers on the perimeter of the apple orchard to enjoy a snack. The late-summer sun made the ground feel hot against his rear.

He closed his eyes, lifting a juicy, bright red apple to his mouth, and drooling in anticipation of the splash of hydration it would provide.

Gon opened his eyes.

Before him stood a fox. Its fluffy tail swished from side-to-side, the white tip colored as if dabbed in paint like the end of a paintbrush. Its eyes were squinted, yellow irises appearing only as slits. It stood among the apple trees, the wind blowing its red fur gently, mesmerising to Gon. When it took a delicate step forward, it barely made a sound, and the entire forest seemed to freeze in time. All background noise was in a hush, except for that from the suddenly willful gusts ruffling through the trees.

As the fox drew nearer, Gon placed his apple back into the basket and took it aside. He believed it to be after his food, but when it was beside him, it peered directly into his eyes, mischievously squinted, ignoring the apples. Slightly larger than Gon, if he hadn't known better, he would have said a slight smirk curled the edges of its lips.

"What are you doing here all alone, little boy?"

To his astonishment, it spoke human words. Gon was too taken aback to form a coherent response, his mouth hanging open in confoundment.

The fox laughed at the face he was making, a dissonant sound that resonated around the trees, brewing an intense wind and a terrible clamor that thrummed in Gon's ears.

Shaking himself, Gon quickly turned back to the fox, who had circled to his other side now. "Wh-who are you?" he finally stammered out.

It laughed again, and this time Gon noticed as it flicked its bushy tail to the side – its tail was actually split into two. "My name and origin are of no importance," the fox replied, turning sharply back around. "Rather, it is my intention that you should worry about."

Gon realized the same feeling of panic pitted his gut – that which he had gotten from the pair of glowing eyes he'd felt watching him in the forest the night before. This fox – or whatever it actually was – gave off the same feeling: all-powerful and sly – something not to be tampered with.

Hastily, Gon stood up, apple basket in his hands. "I'm sorry, I'll be leaving now." He took off at a fast pace back to the path, but the fox's presence seared into the back of his skull with blazing golden eyes.

"Why do you run, boy?" it called after him, its voice echoing with the voices of many foxes, the wind swirling with a storm. "Isn't there something you're looking for?"

Gon knew he shouldn't dabble in whatever trickery this fox was playing at, but it had guessed correctly… Go back, and he'd have to face Noko again… _And Aunt Mito,_ he thought. _And Grandma, and the rest of the villagers, sailors, merchants, and travelers…_ He'd have to face them all, pretend that he was content staying on Whale Island when he could figure out what was so enticing about leaving – to understand how deeply inlaid the wonder was within the seas, and the promise of a horizon beyond that which he could see now…

When Gon turned around, his steps slow, the fox regained its benign, smallish appearance. It was coming toward him again. About half his height when on all fours, it gestured to the forest. "You'll find the answer there."

Gon blinked at the place the fox pointed out with its long nose. The trees spread apart, encircling around a vortex of white light – a kind of portal, perhaps.

Gon waited only a moment…

Then he dropped his basket – apples bouncing in the grass behind him – as he sprinted forward. Upon crossing the threshold, he was thrown backward in time – the forest around him grew dark, overlain as if with a grey film, shoving him simultaneously back into the main town near the port from years ago.

He saw himself, many years younger, standing before a group of elderly women with Noko. He'd been only six, his hair not as buoyant as it had come to be, and Noko was little more than a toddler. Before he could creep close enough to make out what the women were saying, his younger self turned away in an embarrassed frustration, dashing away while the women laughed. He remembered – they'd been joking about him and Noko, just adult prattle. She'd laughed along with them, yet for some reason… he hadn't liked it at all. Those jokes weren't funny to him, knowing it was, truly, what was expected when he grew older.

The scenery changed – and he was in his own house. Gon saw himself trembling and in tears in Mito's arms as she rocked him in bed. It was raining and thundering outside, and he was too frightened to even look at the trees dancing in the wind as Mito shushed him, patting his head gently. He refused to let her go.

Grey again – and he was in the forest, nine years old and terrified, lost without Aunt Mito. Stupid, stupid, stupid of him to run away from Noko in here…! He stumbled through daytime darkness beneath the roof of trees. When he came to a clearing in the fray, he fell to his knees, sobbing hysterically while wiping his face. It was then a larger shadow passed over him – a fully-grown female foxbear, Kon's mother – and could only watch as Kite's blade tore through her, igniting guilt and shame. Even now, he wanted to look away, but he didn't let himself. He had to face the reality of what he'd done… his own ignorance.

Then Kon was in his grasp, scratching and clawing at him as his blood dripped onto the ground… Gon refused to let him go, even as Kite demanded he be put down to be killed – for his own good.

Later still, he saw Aunt Mito's strained expression as she cleaned his wound – though Gon waved off her worrying. There was a different look that remained in his amber eyes, one of determination and profound curiosity…

After that, flashes of the forest went by: the years he had spent as Kon's caretaker and friend, catching fish and feeding him, making a place for him to sleep – and once he was large enough, bounding through the forests together, laughing after tumbling down unforeseeably tall hill… Until now, when Kon had found a settlement of his own in the forest.

 _I've been watching you from afar for a long time now, Gon Freecss,_ said the voice of the fox. It appeared before Gon as all the memories melted away, leaving only a black sky filled with stars. He was in the realm between eternity and reality. The fox grew to the size of a wolf, transforming into a shining entity built like blue flame that glowing with celestial light. Its eyes were red-hot, its mouth steaming, two tails swished behind it. _I know you care for this forest, more than any other I have seen in all my lifetimes on this island._ Its voice rang, echoing many voices in differing pitches again, sempiternal.

"Even more than my dad?" Gon couldn't help himself from asking.

The blue spirit nodded. _That's right._ It lifted its chin slightly. _I know that you are lonely, that you are not sure what you are meant to do, and you see no escape as long as you remain here._ Gon's eyes widened in surprise at the understanding behind its words. The spirit's lowered its blue head. _My power is not that great,_ it said, lifting its two tails weakly. _I do not have much left after spending so much magic on warding off the travelers who have overstayed their welcome. Including your long-haired friend._ Its eyes burned when it mentioned Kite, as if he had been a sickness that plagued the island. _Though… I wish I could use my remaining power to help you take the first step toward the kind of adventure you desire. I cannot forsake my island, so all I can offer is this._ The spirit touched lifted a paw to Gon's chest, and he looked up into the spirit's golden eyes, confused at the calm warmth that overwhelmed him.

 _Please know you do not always have to fight alone. There will be friends that you meet who will help you along your journey. You merely have to ask…_

When Gon awoke, his vision was unfocused. The apples looked like huge red droplets in the green around him. He felt groggy as he sat up, lifting a hand to his forehead – the sun was already sinking into the sky, with orange blazing all around it. The apple trees possessed long shadows in the deep light.

"Gon!"

He turned toward Mito's voice as she came running down the path, practically falling on top of him when she reached him.

"Thank goodness!" she gasped, smothering him with her hug. "I heard from Noko that you went in the forest by yourself again, and then she found you collapsed with apples!"

From the way she was gasping, Gon knew she'd thought it had been like when he'd gotten lost before – that he would return covered in bruises and blood. He smiled, placing a hand reassuringly on her arm. "Everything's okay. I'm fine now," he said between her choking hold. "Aunt Mito."

When she didn't lean back, Gon squirmed a little out of her arms.

Finally, she got the message and leaned back. "Yes? What is it, Gon?"

He looked at her in earnest. "I want to become a Hunter."

With the wind rushing past, Gon felt a peculiar presence behind him – recalling the warmth of the spirit, dream or figment it had been. He swelled with confidence.

He'd go on his own adventure in the great, wide world someday soon. But what he would find was hardly what he thought his heart truly desired…

* * *

 **I needed a small break from all the angst of my other on-going KilluGon story,** _ **Things I Don't Understand**_ **, and this idea hit me like a freight train and… here we are!**

 **Gon's such an underrated character… I was writing a character analysis for my muse and suddenly got really emotional? I liked being able to include a lot of the aspects from the manga that weren't in the 2011 anime, so hope you enjoyed this small glimpse into Gon's life before the Hunter Exam~**

 **Please leave your thoughts below!**


	2. Sonder

**Summary:** The realization that each passerby has a life as vivid and complex as your own is a scary one indeed.

* * *

 **Sonder**

* * *

Heavens Arena Tower loomed over the hurrying figures on the street below, its lights bright and sparkling in the cold night. It was winter, a time for rejoice and relaxation. A time spent with loved ones.

Head and shoulders dusted by a light snow, a young assassin's flat blue shoes scuffed down the sidewalk below. His breath plumed in murky white clouds in front of his face, baggy black jeans and a baggy turquoise sweater hanging on his body. No hat or gloves. Couples on the streets turned to stare at the lone silver-haired boy in the darkened city. He was only six years old.

His hands remained stuck in his pockets as he sauntered forward. He noticed the people staring at him but hurried along. Raising a clenched fist, he was proud having finally completed the task his father had set before him two years ago. _Finally reached level two-hundred!_ Silva had forbidden the boy to return home until he had reached the more formidable foes at the upper levels. It had been a long and hard ordeal, but he would be lying if he said the thrills of the Battle Arena weren't enough to keep him occupied during that time. No one had come to visit him during that time, as per his training. Not even his overprotective mother.

 _I wonder what Dad has planned for me next_ , he thought, his gaze surveying the street excitedly. He was startled to find colorful lights all around him. Laughter filled the air.

Taken aback, the young assassin stopped.

There was a certain cheer in the atmosphere that he hadn't noticed before… and suddenly, he became very aware of the whispers that circled him.

 _"Why is he out here all by himself?"_

" _I wonder if his parents know where he is…"_

" _Should we do something?"_

Killua kept his head down as they brushed past, focusing instead on the snowflakes that fell in small piles around his freezing wet shoes. Heavens Arena grew smaller in the distance as he trudged along.

 _I don't belong here._

The thought was sudden and frightful. It surprised him, arrested his breathing, making his hands ball up tightly inside his sweater pockets.

Maybe he hadn't noticed it before because he'd been so focused on getting to the 200th level, but now he wondered… how _couldn't_ he have?

Feeling the particularly intense sympathetic stare of a woman across the road, Killua halted again. When she leaned over to whisper something into the ear of her companion with a gloved hand to her mouth, his head snapped back to the sidewalk in a strange humiliation. He continued on quicker than before. He flushed, his ears reddening. He gritted his teeth.

Killua kept a quicker pace until he was on the edge of town. One hand on the frostbitten bark of a tree trunk, on an incline overlooking the city, Killua scanned the area below the tower. The colorful lights reflected in his aqua eyes.

What was that, all the joy he had felt around him?

* * *

 **~o=O=o~**

* * *

Curious, Killua asked about the outside world – but the other Zoldycks wouldn't have it. They sensed the danger in this and increased his training tenfold. Killua wouldn't have time to think of such things and wonder what a "normal" life would entail. If he became distracted now, he would certainly never become the great assassin he was destined to be. Illumi overtook his training from then on, and Silva kept a peculiar distance from him. Killua only saw Silva during meals. He rarely met eyes with Killua, and when he did he never held his gaze long. It bewildered him, but Killua never said anything. If he hadn't known better, he would have said the look on his father's face was one of… guilt?

Only Zeno really stayed the same. They sat behind the manor after training, sharing candies and jeering at each other. He rarely saw his other siblings, save Illumi who was his teacher. They were all training – though Killua couldn't help that he was missing _something_ that had been there before. No one said anything to make him catch onto the barest of thoughts and remember, and he didn't dare ask. He already had so little free time as it was with his current training schedule.

He grew accustomed to the stares he received while on missions that required him to be out in public. He understood them; he was a boy no older than seven, skulking the streets alone with dark eyes that had seen more violence than other people could hope to understand. The eyes of a killer. An assassin.

Killua had long since learned to think himself separate from other people. He couldn't expect anything from them. They were more often hindrances and targets than allies to his work.

Despite his intensive training, Illumi's and Kikyo's nonstop buzzing over his head, Silva's distance from him, Milluki's and Kalluto's absence from his life, Zeno's unchanged demeanor, the butlers' indifferent protectiveness over him... Killua barely felt anything at all. He enjoyed the rush of adrenaline when he completed a mission flawlessly, or when he murdered without fail. He panicked and cursed when complications arose. But something wasn't right, and he didn't know what. He didn't know why.

He escaped Illumi whenever he could, taking breaks behind the manor with Zeno, eating ChocoRobo with him – the candy he had come to love in Heavens Arena – or alone. Eventually, even the old man's jokes became jarring and uninteresting to him, as if they hid something else.

Missions were the only times Killua was allowed to leave the manor, and it was only to kill. Blood swam before his eyes in pools sometimes, yet he felt nothing. Only fatigue. If that.

He couldn't rest. The blockage in his mind wouldn't move, no matter how long he tossed and turned at night, wondering why that woman on the street near Heavens Arena had looked so worried, wondering what could have happened if he'd let her approach him…

Five years passed until he finally snapped.

Illumi was on a mission. Kikyo was berating him for slacking on his training, her hands on the exaggerated hips of her dress, lips thrashing wildly. Killua paid her little mind, staring blankly through the red light on her visor, the one she donned day and night. He couldn't help the arrogant superiority that he felt over her and other members of the family. _Fickle woman. I could kill you right now if I wanted to._

Attracted to the sounds of drama, Milluki trotted by with a sort of hop to his step, trying to look casual. Any source of entertainment was well-worth it when one left the house as little as him. When Kikyo finished yowling at him, Killua said nothing, only stared at her with unamused, dead eyes. He hadn't been listening, so what would he even say?

After a few moments, listening only a few paces away, Milluki became more angered than his mother. "Brat, don't just stand there gawking at us! Answer mama!"

Killua turned toward Milluki, surprised by his loud tone. "Oh sorry, I wasn't listening."

"Kuh!" Milluki tightened his fists.

But Kikyo spoke first, a haste to her voice. "Killu, don't you realize how important it is to keep improving your skills? This affects all of us! You can't slack off if you want to inherit the Zoldyck throne!"

"Inherit the Zoldyck throne?" repeated Killua, incredulous. "How is that such an honor? Killing people day and night for money. _Booo-ring_. I do that now, and I'm bored out of my mind." He turned half away from them, arms at his sides.

A vein popped out on Milluki's head. He jutted a finger down at Killua. "You little shit! How dare you say that! I would give my life for this position, and you're just throwing it away!"

Killua answered swiftly, his voice calm, "We all know you care more about your video games than the family business, Milluki. It's not like you didn't have the chance before me."

Shocked by the disinterested matter-of-factness of Killua's voice, Milluki said nothing. After a moment, Kikyo spoke again – this time, her voice was chillingly soft. "Killu, you have to understand the impact our business has on the world. It's been in the family for generations, and your grandfather, who bore witness to his legendary father, Maha, and grandfather, Zzigg, was the one who declared your skill to be unlike any Zoldyck before. As a member of the family, it is your duty to upkeep the tradition and become the best assassin you can be. When disasters strike, it has always been the Zoldycks who have been relied on to quell those disasters, and receive great profit for it in the process. It's why we can live as well as we do!"

These undeniable truths spat at him from Kikyo finally struck a chord in Killua. He lurched forward. "Well maybe I don't care about any of that!" His fists shook. He found himself trembling. _Then what do you care about?_ a voice asked. He gasped at the thought. The answer wouldn't come.

Kikyo was frozen by Killua's passionate cry, but Milluki had reached his limit. He swung a meaty fist. "You spoiled, ungrateful –!"

That was when Killua recalled the knife he'd taken outside. It was in his hand now, and his grip tightened on it. Milluki was an immediate threat.

He avoided his brother's wide, uncalculated swing easily, and used the created opening to duck under him and stick the knife in his side. Milluki screamed and doubled over, clutching his stomach. A few drops of bright red blood shone on the white tiles, which only further drove Killua into dissociation.

"Killu! What have you done?!"

He turned to his mother, who reached for him with her sharp, red fingernails. Another threat. Killua flexed a hand until claws stabbed from his fingertips. As she leaned down, he slashed her across the face, shattering her visor.

With them howling in his ears, Killua came back to reality. Violent obscenities spewed from Milluki's mouth as he pushed himself toward Killua, on hands and knees. His mother only screamed. He heard clattering footsteps in the halls up the stairs. The butlers were on their way.

Looking around, Killua made a decision.

He turned and ran.

The butlers could only guess at what happened, for there had never been an internal conflict in the Zoldyck Manor so violent before – members of the family didn't attack each other. They sent a message to all the butlers across the Zoldyck Estate to scour the grounds for an intruder.

When Milluki finally stopped howling long enough to tell them what had actually happened, Killua was long gone.

* * *

 **~o=O=o~**

* * *

Running around corners and through back alleys, he traveled farther and farther from Kukuroo Mountain and the Republic of Padokea. He didn't stop even to eat, didn't rest for days. He was trained for this kind of deprivation after all.

 _Trained as an assassin._ The only fact that had given him pride all his life was suddenly heavy and cold in his throat. So far away from his family, with no thought to return, he became aware of how big the world really was. Still many miles from the next town, and he'd been walking for five days without food and little water, he was reaching his physical limit. Only when he stumbled, looked up at the sky, did everything come crashing down on him.

 _I ran away from home,_ he realized. And even less triumphant, _I have no one else in this world._ Panic surged up inside him. _What will I do?_ If he hadn't had an empty stomach, he may have retched right then. But Killua could only look up at the sky, mud on his hands, knees, and face. He could only wonder at the vastness of the stars he had seen so many times, yet never paid attention to before.

Wooziness overcame him with this in mind, and he pressed his forehead into the muddy ground.

At the next town, he found a place to eat. He hadn't brought any money, but his bank account was hefty in checks from his missions.

Well, maybe not – he did buy a lot of candy with it.

He was sure to withdraw cash from the ATM outside so it would be harder for his family to track him. The café was small and quaint, and the cashier was reluctant to serve a twelve-year-old boy alone this late at night, covered in grime, barely able to stand. He didn't act anything but tired though. He was used to this.

They only served pastries and beverages, so as he left, Killua bit into one of eight tortilla-shaped pastries he'd gotten: a chocolate filling wrapped in a crepe with powdered sugar on top. The other seven pastries were crammed in his pockets for afterward. No one else was on the street at this time. The white LEDs under the café's awnings cast his silhouette on the concrete sidewalk, the place's glittering red "OPEN" sign blinked on and off. It was getting chilly.

His body sighed in relief at the sugary nourishment as he savored the sweetness of the pastry. And again, Killua looked up at the sky. Murky clouds covered the distant stars.

Hearing footsteps, Killua hid in the alley behind the café. A strong presence appeared around the other side, and two men walked toward the door.

"The Hunter Exam was hard even for you?" he heard one of them say. "I wouldn't have guessed that. Usually you're raring to go when it comes to this kind of stuff."

The other man laughed heartily. "Yeah, well, this time I think I've hit my mark. They employed safety nets last year that they don't every year, and I would have died if not for that. I'm still an amateur hunter, so –"

The bell clanged as they entered, and the rest of their conversation was lost.

 _Hunter Exam?_ Killua had heard about the Hunter Association many times from Zeno and Silva. Hunters were said to be a group of vibrant, talented individuals who used their skills to specialize in whatever they pleased: protection, murder, anything. _Those men said the exam was difficult._ Killua had to admit, the one who said he participated had held a presence unlike most civilians he came across – even greater than his targets on missions.

The hairs on Killua's dirty arms stood on end, sweat mixing with his grime. If he could become a Hunter, wouldn't that make him one of the stronger few in the entire world? The challenge excited him – but the possibility of losing was what he was really looking for.

As the two men exited the café and waved their goodbyes, he stuffed the rest of the pastry down his throat and stepped out of the shadow of the alley, in front of the man who held the stronger presence.

The man blinked at Killua in surprise, a mocha in one hand. "Oh, hello."

"This Hunter Exam," said Killua, "where can I find more information about it?"

The man was a little wary, seeing how dirty Killua was and how he emerged from an alley, but grinned, catching the seriousness in Killua's eyes. "Your interest is admirable, but I wouldn't risk your life for it, kid." He bent down and rested a hand on Killua's shoulder. "The Hunter Exam isn't for drifters to take just for the kicks. You have to prepare for the challenge more than any –"

Killua's gaze hardened on him, and the man felt a pressure in the air around them. He lifted his hand from Killua's shoulder, stepped back. "Trust me. I'm prepared."

With the man staring after him, unnerved, Killua repeated the man's words in his mind. _The location changes every year, so you'll find more information at the applicant headquarters. After that, you're on your own._

 _I'll find out what it takes to become a Hunter!_ Killua declared, downing the fourth pastry. He had to build up his strength.

Yeah. This should hold him over.

 _With any luck, I'll figure out what I want to do now,_ he thought absently, ignoring the gaping feeling inside him.

A dark voice pinged at the back of his mind.

 _Yeah, right._

* * *

 **~o=O=o~**

* * *

Filled with the gasps of hundreds of men and women – 405, to be exact – the tunnel was dark and sweaty. He didn't know where they were going, but he was taking it easy. He hadn't forgotten his skateboard before his mad dash from the Zoldyck Estate. _Man, this is boring…_

"Hey! Wait up, kid!"

Killua turned toward the cranky voice, to a tall man with a stubbly chin. His blue dress suit was as large as he was. "Hm?"

"You should show the Hunter Exam some respect!"

Killua didn't get it. "What do you mean?"

"Why are you using a skateboard?!" the man cried passionately, pointing at him. "That's cheating!"

Killua looked down to his feet, then back up. "Why?" he asked honestly.

The man was taken aback by his unpretentious attitude. "This is an endurance test!"

"No, it isn't."

"Huh?!"

Behind the flustered man, the obscure bouncy black hair of a boy his size caught Killua's eye – his tacky green outfit, slightly vacant but determined expression, honey-colored skin, black hair, brown eyes.

"Gon, what are you saying?!" the man blurted.

"The examiner only told us to follow him."

"Whose side are you on, ah?!"

Killua leaned to direct his skateboard back, away from the old man. "Hey, how old are you?" he asked, his chin out. He wasn't sure why, but he was going to get an answer.

"I'm twelve years old," the boy answered, looking at him.

This startled him. _Same age as me._

As the boy cocked a grin and one eyebrow at him, Killua felt something different. He wasn't sure what. An interest that he hadn't felt ever before? Maybe…

Yet it was more than a simple interest…

Small and fragile as it was, the feeling that gripped at him that day never could have prepared him for all that was to come. It blossomed into something irreplaceable and spellbinding. Not from the untouched brightness in Gon's eyes, though that was a part of it – but because Gon was the only person who looked at him without arrogance or sympathy. Only divine interest. For _him_.

When faced by unspeakable danger, Killua overcame. Not for himself. He never had fought for himself – for anyone – the way he fought for Gon…

Killua knew it: he would do anything for him. It was dangerous. It frightened him. Yet he didn't care.

Killua was tentative to accept Gon's interest, even jealous of how others were drawn to him, like moths to a flame. But he soon found that he didn't care about that either. Being able to share just a shred of that light was enough. He knew it from that first moment in the tunnel.

It was enough.

* * *

 **~o=O=o~**

* * *

The streets were lively and colorful again, bustling with merchants, sailors, shoppers, and travelers. All around him people laughed and surveyed merchandise, walked listlessly to and fro, not a care in the world. This time, he was one of them.

With Alluka and Gon by his side, he could share in the merry flow of the streets. They bought sweets, toured, laughed, and joked. His little sister Alluka, forgotten by the mind-controlling needle Illumi had inflicted upon him, giggled at the flattery of the merchants and how Killua reacted to them, her face lighting up at each new item she set her eyes upon. Gon was absorbed in everything around them, as always, and eager to include Alluka in their adventure.

The world was warm and calm.

"The only reason we're both here today is thanks to the time I spent with you," Killua said, eyes bright, smile sincere.

"No, I should be thanking you!" Gon assured frantically, waving his hands in front of him.

But Killua's gaze faltered, which caught his friend's attention. _He was always too honest._ Killua always too dishonest.

Their roles had reversed now.

Conflict in his face, Gon huffed out, tearing his eyes away. "This is no good. If we stay here any longer…"

Killua closed his eyes, hands in his pockets. He knew what Gon wanted to say. He had often felt it himself these last two years. _If I stay here any longer, I won't be able to stop myself._ One day, he would tell Gon everything he had done for him – he would go into such excruciating detail that Gon's head would overheat and explode in that way it does when he can no longer sustain any information.

But here they were, about to separate, for who knows how long.

That day would have to wait.

"Yeah." Killua said it clearly. Regret touched his voice, but not because their coming separation. Circumstance called for it. It tugged at him and gave him hope all at once for something anew, for all the negativity and attachment of his past to be washed away, replaced by nothing but sincerity next time.

As Gon stood before him at the gate to the World Tree, this time, both of their faces were radiant – not just Gon's smile reflected back at Killua as it had in the darkness of the tunnel of the Hunter Exam. With Alluka at his side, Killua knew there was more than one reason to live.

Gon turned away, as did Killua, and he recalled what it had felt like to believe he was the only person in the world who needed a friend as much as he did…

To believe how far they had come from a stranger's warm gaze on a weary journey home.

* * *

 **This was originally posted under a separate fanfiction, but I decided it would be better that these two go together. I may continue with one-shots of other characters as I had planned to do on the other story as well if inspired~**

 **I hope that you enjoyed my take on Killua's past, and that you will leave your thoughts below. Happy KilluGon Day!**


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